Shame - How it Rips us at our Subconscious Core

As per many research articles, men and women process shame differently...  

Women -  Women hold a high regard for themselves in just about every area; the bar is very high.  They scan the area to see what they're up against; typically honing in on other females.  Comparison then begins to set in; their subconscious is already tallying up the flaws and deficiencies; mostly of oneself.  They simply don't feel that they are good enough.  There are 12 shame categories, according to the book Daring Greatly by Dr. Brene Brown.  These include appearance and body image, money and work, motherhood, family, parenting, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion, surviving trauma, and being stereotyped or labeled.  The primary trigger to any and all - how they look.  A close second is mother shame; the societal view of what a mother should be and act like.  

Women want to be naturally flawless; with little to no effort.  That's the expectation society and the bar one raises for themselves (even subconsciously) can drown human emotion. 

Men -  Shame is failure to men; any sort.  Shame comes when one may been seen as incorrect or wrong.  This brings back a primal instinct which says some parts are deficient or flat out defective.  Men think it is shameful to be anything but tough.  Revealing weaknesses?  Well, that's shaming, too.  A pushover perception - shaming.  Criticism or ridicule?  Shaming.  It all comes down to the fear of being perceived as weak.

Men typically won't be open, vulnerable and intimate - that doesn't come naturally to them.  

Covert shame and overt shame - Sometimes it can bottle up and cause unrealistic expectations which are never voiced.  Men are often hard on others, because - the reality is - they are hard on themselves too.  Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than they are doing.  

The cycle can be stopped.  Did you know that your children engage in the same behaviors as you do?  This can result in bullying, poor self image, seeking popularity over wis
e choices, etc.  Shame is also one of the dynamics which is most lethal to relationships.  Women who feel shamed often push and provoke with criticism; while men either shut down or respond with anger.  

Don't allow shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection ruin any foundation from which a relationship is formed.  You hold the keys now to identifying when you'll allow behaviors to dictate your happiness.  Change is scary but patterns can be recreated and behaviors must be controlled to rid stress and anxiety from one's psyche.  You are in control!